dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
