New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
