you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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