you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
