i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
