Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
