Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
