why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
