I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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