those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
