We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
