I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize