dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Vodka?
Forever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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