I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wish I only lived at night.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
