i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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