Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
