Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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