Pappa wants mamma naked
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
