I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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