I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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