we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
