After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He did a backflip because drugs
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
