So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
