Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
