My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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