I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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