i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
