haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
