i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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