your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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