You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
