It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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