the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
