i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's always time for handjobs
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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