barbara walters just said penis...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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