Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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