There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
