So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
