he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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