How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
