Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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