Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
