How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
