Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Im part way to drunk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize