Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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