dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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