whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
