True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Life is so much better after having sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
