i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
