Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
