Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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