That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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