I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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