the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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