how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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