Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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